I got my hair highlighted... because I thought some strands were more important than others.51. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.104. I got a vest.
“What would you like sir?” “A pastrami sandwich.” “Anything else?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people.”It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were OK.234. People say "Mitch, why'd you get into comedy? There's more to it than that.264.
Or if the pen's too far away, I have to … I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! That would be cool if you lived with a monster... you would never get hiccups!235. Because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" Last week I helped my friend stay put.
“Dufrene, party of two. It's delicious.
It was so fuckin' pure.238. ” — Mitch Hedberg “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” — Mitch Hedberg “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?” — Mitch Hedberg “When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks … If nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping.196. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.145. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by and says “Let me have that,” you better hand it over. This jacket is dry clean only... which means it's dirty.65. Share.
- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes.
I can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was.185. I type 101 words a minute, but it's in my own language.97. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn’t laughing.
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. So a lot of times I’ll drive for, like, 10 miles with the emergency brake on. I haven't slept for 10 days... because that would be too long.208. Well then do not put a candy coating around it.275. I like refried beans. They call out names, they say, “Dufrene, party of two. But, hey this song is funky.”Alcoholism is a disease. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.114. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, “Mitch,” and I say, “what” and turn my head slightly.I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.Yeah, I’m not into sports. I find if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't look at you like you're selfish.76. I’m just gonna ask them where they’re going and catch up with them later.I was at a casino, standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking the fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. I like the Fed Ex driver because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.152. You gotta make the jump thing happen.221. I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say "You're home!"244. Damn!
Alcohol Food/Drink Grapes Wine.
I'm not famous, I think they're fucking with me. It's like, "Dude, you have to wait."
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.207. You know when it comes to racism, people say "I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green." I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”. Here are some of Mitch Hedbergs: - I used to do drugs. People teach their dogs to sit.
But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that’s a cool story. That's good news, man. I don't have time.
I still do, but I used to, too.I like to smoke a pipe, because it’s the punch line indicator. A lot of bars have black lights.
A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk. She gave me her phone number... it's zero.222. Like, "I saw Mitch Hedberg.
What happened? Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and then they would travel down to your stomach, then when they get there, the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."122. I need to have sex with women who saved someone's life.56. I still do, but I used to, too.175.
All vitamins are chewable... it's just they taste shitty.40. I had my palm read. Mitch All Together. These Fritos had grill marks on them.
Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was a comic genius known for his deadpan one liner jokes. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. I wouldn't type any slower.273. We had to smoke pot for a scene, but it was fake pot. Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. That's a positive name for it: cheese shredder. “Want some more homemade Sprite?” “Not til you figure out what the fuck else is in it.”Dogs are forever in the pushup position.I like to drink red wine.
I like rice.
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